Things Kids Say.....

Kids are funny. We all know it, but how many of us write that stuff down??? I do. Not all of it mind you, but I have been writing a few things down since Eli first started to talk and with the advent of Facebook, many of my status updates involve funny stories about my children. Why stop the embarrassment there, I say!  Parenting is rough, but these sparking, hilarious moments make it all worthwhile and sharing them is pure payback....With that in mind, I've decided that, once in a while, I will pick something from the past to share about the funny/touching (mostly funny) things my kids have said/done. The story may be from my book (I literally started a book before Facebook for these moments) or it may be from Facebook, but I hope that it will make you smile as much as the original occurrence has done for me.

My first story is one of the most humorous. It happened when Eli was just under three years old, shortly after he had been potty trained and we were moving from Williams Lake (a small town in central BC) to Edmonton, Alberta. It's a long drive between the two cities, 12 or 13 hrs, and I never expected Eli to last the entire way. To avoid any messy accidents in the car, I explained to him that he was going to wear a pull-up for the drive "just in case".  Our first stop was only an hour out of Williams Lake and both of us took the opportunity to use the washroom. Our next stop was 4 hours later for gas, but he didn't need to go at that point, so we kept driving. It was a beautiful, warm, sunny, early summer day and as we drove over the Yellowhead Hwy towards Jasper, the views were magnificent. Eventually, Mount Robson began to loom on the horizon (hour 6). It was such a gorgeous day that I decided to pull out at the Mount Robson sign for a picture and to let the dog have a run around and pee. It was at this point that Eli informed me "I go PEE!" I looked around quickly, but no bathrooms.... no outhouses...  nothing. Now, here is a little fact about having boys that I have never read in any kind of parenting book (even the funny ones)........ and hadn't even considered up to that point because the men in my house are sitters (the deal is "sit or clean toilets, your choice Dude"). Here it goes.... are you ready??? When your son first learns to pee standing up, you must teach him to hold his penis to aim. In order to facilitate this process you will have to do it for him.......This is probably not that big of a deal to the parents of standers, but as I mentioned, we are sitters and this was Eli's first attempt at upright urination.  I took a deep breath and prepared to help him aim, only, he wasn't having any of it. He kept swatting my hand away and was starting to cry because he wanted a toilet. I gave up on the standing and tried to have him sit over the barrier with his bottom held into space, but the rough concrete on his penis wasn't helping the situation at all. We tried various other torturous/creative ways of sitting, but nothing could get him relaxed enough to let go. Finally, after 10 minutes of crying and frustration (and not only from him) I explained that he would have to use his pull-ups like he used to ("I NOT A BABY") and we would just change him when he was done, but first I wanted a picture of him and the dog in front of the sign. Here is the second thing I learned that day...... when taking a picture of scenery, you rarely notice the small details of the picture in the quest for the unified whole......

I set up the dog and Eli to take the picture and stepped back to ensure the quintessential Mount Robson photo. Mountain and sign, child and dog, blue skies and puffy white clouds, all were perfection. I snapped a picture. I snapped a second picture as insurance. I lowered the camera and saw, to my horror, that my darling, 33 month old son had made a final attempt at urinating in the vertical. He had clearly been holding it for a very long time as his stream was magnificent . He stood there and voided his bladder on a national monument with busy summer traffic streaming past and he was PROUD....... I had enough time to leap the several feet over to him to try to avoid the impending mess (He was NOT aiming), but I was too late.... We spent the next several minutes cleaning up. A change of clothes (there was nothing to be done about the shoes, I'm afraid) and the sloshing of water over the concrete slab he had been standing on were required, all while in a futile attempt to avoid the paroxysms of laughter that were attempting to impede my task.  I spent the remainder of our trip (6 hrs) bursting into uncontrollable giggles at random moments.

It was only when I was telling Dale about the story that I thought to look at the pictures........

The final lesson learned from that day..... Once your son has learned to stand up to urinate, you must teach him not to pull down his pants whenever he feels the need.... Like standing in line to pay for a membership at the swimming pool....... for example.